


Can You Keep Me Close, Can You Love Me Most

by gayygabby



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV), wayhaught - Fandom
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2019-06-23 00:23:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15594150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayygabby/pseuds/gayygabby
Summary: Waverly never tells Nicole that she loves her back, but there's a reason why. An exploration why Waverly doesn't say I love you.





	Can You Keep Me Close, Can You Love Me Most

**Author's Note:**

> Song: Someone To Stay, by-Vancouver Sleep Clinic

_“You were alone left out in the cold_  
Clinging to the ruin of your broken home  
Too lost and hurting to carry your load  
We all need someone to hold” 

Nicole tells her often, she utters those three words to Waverly with no hesitation.

 

“I love you”, and Waverly always notices the subtle pause from Nicole after.

 

 Waiting for Waverly to say something back. Nicole never pushes, so she smiles brightly at Waverly and kisses her softly on the forehead. Those moments make her stomach ache, because Waverly knows she loves Nicole. She said it once out loud, only to stop Willa from killing Nicole. She doesn’t think Nicole even heard her.

 

Nicole was the first person she had said those words to in years

 

When she was younger she would tell her father that she loved him, and he would look at her silently and walk passed her, like she was invisible. Ward Earp was not a man who felt love or expressed it. Mama was different.

 

She brought the feeling of love into the house. Waverly was Mama’s favorite, and Waverly loved her mother. Mama took care of Waverly and held her when she had nightmares in the night. Waverly didn’t feel so scared when Mama was near

 

Her mother would tuck her into bed with a warm kiss to her forehead, “I love you Waverly” would be the last thing Waverly heard before the bedroom closed.

 

But then Mama was gone, she just vanished. Waverly cried for weeks and weeks after her mother left.

 

Willa would tell her to stop being a baby, that she needed to toughen up, and her father would scream for someone to shut Waverly up

 

Waverly would curl into bed with her teddy bear and cry into her pillow, she prayed for her Mama to come back.

 

She thought Mama was supposed to be what being loved and loving someone felt like. Mama wasn’t supposed to abandon her, she was to be there to watch Waverly grow, to teach her all the things little girls learn from their mothers.

 

But Waverly only felt an empty gap in her heart, where her mother should have been

 

If Mama loved her why had she disappeared without a trace.

 

If Mama really loved her why did she tell Wynonna to keep her away.

 

If Mama really loved her why didn’t she take Waverly with her.

 

Mama was able to teach her one lesson, and that was no one she ever loved would stick around for long.

 

 _“You’ve been fighting the memory all on your own_ _  
__Nothing washes, nothing grows_  
I know how it feels being by yourself in the rain”

Wynonna was the second person who made her feel loved, Wynonna was the protector and never let anyone harm Waverly.

 

Wynonna would keep her safe from Willa and Ward, never letting their nasty words or actions touch Waverly

 

Once Mama left Wynonna moved into Waverly’s room to make sure she slept at night. Most nights, Waverly crawled into Wynonna’s bed and cuddled into Wynonna’s arms.

 

“I love you Waves, it’s going to be okay”, Wynonna would whisper into her ear

 

Wynonna was different from Ward and Willa, she loved Waverly.

 

When people began to make fun of Waverly at school, Wynonna was the first one in the recess park pushing them into the snow and threatening to shove snow down their pants if they said anything to her again.

 

Waverly began to feel okay again, because Wynonna loved and took care of her

 

But then Wynonna shot Ward and Willa was taken away

 

And Waverly watched the whole thing

 

She remembers screaming and the fire that consumed the home as evil men tried to hurt them.

 

Waverly can see the scene replay in her nightmares sometimes

 

After the attack on the homestead, Wynonna and Waverly moved in with their Uncle Curtis and Aunt Gus.

 

Everything was different after that night, Wynonna no longer let Waverly sleep in her bed and protected her against the idiots in Purgatory.

 

As the years went on Wynonna began to drink and talk about the apparent demons in the town.

 

Sometimes Waverly would listen to Wynonna talk about them, Wynonna only talked about when she was drunk.

 

“Waves, I’m going to protect us against these hellish assholes”, Wynonna slurred as she fell into Waverly’s bed

 

Wynonna grabbed Waverly’s hand, “I’m not going to let them hurt you”

 

One morning Curtis and Gus told Waverly that Wynonna was going away for awhile

 

Waverly shook her head as tears fell down her cheeks, Wynonna was supposed to be there to protect her and to keep her safe.

 

Waverly lost track of how long Wynonna was gone for, but when she came back she wasn’t the same. Waverly could see the light was gone from her eyes.

 

Wynonna left that night with a note on Waverly’s bed side table that read

 

“I need to get out of here, I love you Waverly”

 

Waverly held the note in her hands as she cried for days

 

And Waverly felt another gap in her heart

 

When Wynonna returned years later Waverly’s heart still hadn’t been mended

 

Waverly put on a brave face, because at least Wynonna came back for her. Waverly was ready to work side by side with Wynonna to break the curse she had been researching for years.

 

But Wynonna told her no, that she needed to keep her baby sister safe

 

Waverly wanted to tell her she didn’t need her protection anymore, that she had grown up and could take care of herself

 

Waverly remembers Wynonna telling her she loved her

 

Waverly sits quietly and nods

 

“Aren’t you supposed to say it back?”, Waverly changes the subject quickly and avoids the guilt that’s rising in her because she can’t say those words out loud

 

Wynonna never pushes Waverly, but Waverly learns to forgive Wynonna for leaving her

 

As the time passes, she knows Wynonna isn’t going to run again, because the stakes are too high and they have to break this curse

 

They have to break the curse for Alice, so that she can come home

 

Even though time helps the wounds Waverly has, she can’t seem to bring herself to tell Wynonna she loves her

  _  
__“We all need someone to stay  
We all need someone to stay, _ _Hear you falling and lonely, cry out_  
Will you fix me up? Will you show me hope?  
The end of the day, I'm helpless  
Can you keep me close? Can you love me most?”

 

Death has separated Waverly from the ones she’s loved as well

 

Curtis, Shorty, and now Dolls

 

She thinks about those men who brought something into her life that made her feel loved.

 

Curtis and Shorty treated Waverly as her own, never once acting like Ward

 

They helped her work towards her dreams

 

From Curtis paying for her online courses or Shorty giving her the night off when she was rundown

 

Both men felt like a father figure to her

 

But then they were gone

 

Waverly never got the chance to tell them how much she loved them, it was too late.

 

Again, the people she loved were now gone forever, leaving without her even getting a chance to tell them how she felt

 

And Dolls, the man who vowed to put everyone before himself.

 

Waverly thought of Dolls as her older brother

 

Someone she could count on, a brother who was willing to do anything for his little sister. He sacrificed his body to save Nicole and was willing to die for all of them.

 

Dolls never shared much, but she knew he cared for her and the rest of the group

 

But again, she was too late getting the chance to tell him how much he meant to her

 

Loving people was always going to end in heartbreak

 

The people she loved were always going to leave her in the end

 

“ _You’ve drunk it down and now you’ve spat it out_ _  
__Nothing tastes like the things you had_ _  
__So tear it off, why don’t you let them go?_ _  
__We all need someone to stay_ _  
__We all need someone to stay”_

 

When Waverly saw Nicole walk through the doors at Shorty’s she had no idea that her life was about to change forever.

 

She can remember the distinct pounding of her heart when Nicole smiled at her. She can recall how Champ held her that night, but Waverly’s thoughts were filled with the redhead

 

Waverly never loved Champ. She knows that. He was caring when he wanted to be and he made her happy, but she never was in love.

 

Waverly would say it back to him to keep him pleased, but she never really meant it

 

But when she saw Willa staring down Nicole with the gun, she felt herself vomit the words out. She knew deep down that she was falling hard for Nicole, so she said it.

 

Only loud enough for Wynonna to hear, because she wasn’t ready for Nicole to leave her

  

Nicole told her she loved her after their first time, their bodies pressed together with a warmness surrounding them.

 

Nicole turned to her and placed a soft hand on her cheek, “Waves”

 

Her voice was so quiet Waverly could make out what she had said, Waverly still remembers the tears in her eyes

 

Waverly pulled Nicole even closer, “Baby, what’s wrong”  

 

“Nothing, I just love you”, Waverly felt her heart drop in her chest, and just as Nicole does she seemed to read Waverly’s mind

 

“You don’t have to say it back”, Waverly leaned forward and pressed her lips hard against Nicole’s lips, hoping she would understand.

 

Nicole didn’t say those words again till after they got the demon out of Waverly’s body. Waverly snuggled into Nicole’s arms as they laid in Waverly’s bed

 

“Never scare me like that again” Nicole said into the silent room

 

“I’m sorry Nicole” Waverly turned around in Nicole’s arms to face her

 

“I thought I lost you” Nicole tucked her head into Waverly’s neck, and Waverly’s hand ran through the short red curls in Nicole’s hair

 

“I’m right here baby”

 

“I love you so much Waves, I just can’t imagine life without you” Waverly feels her heart break, because she knows she can’t imagine life without Nicole.

 

She still can’t seem to bring herself to tell her, so she tries to convey her feelings in a kiss

 

When Nicole gets bitten by the widow, she thinks this is the end of Nicole.

 

They had been fighting and Waverly thinks about all the time they wasted over the DNA results

 

And she thinks about kissing Rosita in the hot tub because she was mad, and she hates herself for doing it

 

She doesn’t think she will ever recover from losing Nicole

  

Because Nicole has her heart, and she loves her more than anything

 

When Nicole cries in the hospital bed and tells Waverly, “I have never loved anyone the way that I love you”, Waverly lets tears fall from her eyes because Nicole is hurt because of her and she doesn’t deserve that. Love is not about hurting those you love

 

So, Waverly makes a deal with a witch to save Nicole, because love is about protecting those you love.

 

Nicole recovers and Waverly didn’t say those words because Nicole has a wife, and she doesn’t know what to feel, because someone has gotten to be with her Nicole before her.

 

There is no time for a conversation or even eating because the third seal is broken because she loves Nicole.

 

Nicole lets her sob into her chest when Alice is taken away in the helicopter, and this is love. Nicole grounding Waverly letting her know she’s there.

 

They do a lot of making up, and Nicole doesn’t stop telling her that she loves her

 

Waverly and Nicole hold each other after Dolls passes, and Nicole tells Waverly about her past. Waverly wants to tell her then, that she loves her and nothing will change. Waverly will stay be her side forever, but all she can muster up is that she’s safe now

 

And Waverly hopes she knows Nicole knows that’s her way of saying “I love you”

 

But the haunting thoughts in her head tell her, Nicole won’t be sticking around forever

 

Eventually she’ll leave

 

Because that’s how it goes, Waverly loves and then she’s abandoned. So, she keeps those three words in her heart.

 

“Hear you falling and lonely, cry out  
Will you fix me up? Will you show me hope?  
The end of the day, I'm helpless  
Can you keep me close? Can you love me most?  
Can you keep me close? Can you love me most?  
Can you keep me close? Can you love me most?"

 

Waverly sits silently on the couch staring at nothing in particular when she hears Wynonna’s voice in the background

 

“Waverly” Waverly turns her head to the side to catch a glimpse of Wynonna. 

 

“Hey, sorry” Wynonna makes her way to the other side of couch and sits

 

“I’ve been calling your name for a minute now”

 

Waverly looks over to Wynonna, and Wynonna is looking at her with an unreadable expression,

 

“I thought Haught would be here by now”

 

Waverly feels herself jump at the mention of Nicole

 

“Waves, are you and Nicole okay?”, Waverly can tell Wynonna is serious because there is no trace of sarcasm in her voice

 

“Yeah, I’ve just been in my own head lately”, Wynonna nods and places a hand on Waverly’s leg

 

“You know I’m pretty good at listening, try me?”

 

“I haven’t told Nicole, that I love her”, Waverly sees Wynonna’s eyes go wide

 

“With all that mushy heart eye shit you guys do, you haven’t told her”

 

Waverly chews at her lower lip, “I can’t”

 

“Baby girl, it’s obvious that you love her”, Waverly nods along to what Wynonna is saying

 

“Everyone I love leaves, and if I tell her I’m afraid she’ll go”, Waverly’s voice comes out shaky as tears threaten to fall from her eyes.

 

“Waverly Earp, that girl loves you more than anything”

 

Waverly lets the tears escape, “But they all leave, what’s the point if she’s not going to stay”

 

Wynonna grabs her face in her hands

 

“Haught is never going to leave you, can’t you see that. She hasn’t run even through all this stuff, and don’t tell her I said this but she’s the only person I trust to take care of you” Waverly lets herself fall into Wynonna’s embrace

 

“I do love her, more than anything” She says as she lets out a sob

 

“I know, and that girl adores you right back” Wynonna lets Waverly cry into her chest

 

Wynonna clears her throat, “And I’m sorry for leaving you, I’m going to try and make it up to you for the rest of our lives. You’re stuck with me forever”

 

Waverly lets herself cry out all of her fears into Wynonna’s chest

 

“Waves, Wynonna” A voice calls from the outside

 

“It’s open Haughtstuff, come in”

 

Waverly quickly tries to wipe away her tears as Nicole walks into the living room

 

“Baby, what’s wrong” Nicole is on her knees in front of Waverly in moments, running her hands along the top of Waverly’s thighs

 

“I’m going to head out to Shorty’s, give you guys some space” Wynonna pats Nicole on the back and presses a kiss to Waverly’s head. Once Nicole hears the door shut behind Wynonna, she sits on the couch next to Waverly

 

Waverly throws her arms around Nicole, and sobs into her chest. Nicole just tightens her embrace around Nicole

 

“I’m here baby, I got you”

 

 Waverly never wants to go a day without feeling Nicole’s arms around her. She never wants to go a day without seeing her smile, or feeling her kiss. Waverly doesn’t want to regret not telling Nicole how much she loves her for the rest of her life.

 

“Can we go lay down” Waverly says quietly, Nicole nods and reaches her hands under Waverly’s thighs and Waverly laughs as Nicole carries her bridle style into her room.

 

“You were alone, left out in the cold  
Clinging to the ruin of your broken heart

You were falling and lonely, cry out:  
Will you fix me up? Will you show me hope?  
The end of the day, I'm helpless  
Can you keep me close? Can you love me?” 

 

Nicole lays her down gently into bed, pulling the covers down so they can both climb into bed. Waverly grabs onto Nicole’s hand pulling her closer to her. Nicole doesn’t push Waverly to talk, she just holds her.

 

Waverly plays with their interlaced fingers, loving the feeling of Nicole’s soft hands in hers. Waverly feels more tears build in her eyes

 

“I’m so sorry” Waverly chokes out as she keeps her eyes focused on their intertwined fingers

 

“Waves, what do you have to be sorry about?” Nicole brushes her hand against Waverly’s cheek, Waverly looks up into the softest brown eyes and let’s herself fall

 

“I never say I love you”, Waverly sees Nicole’s expression falter for a moment before she speaks

 

“You don’t have to tell me, I know you do”, Waverly shakes her slightly

 

“I should have been honest with you, on why I’m so afraid”

 

Nicole reaches up and brushes away the tears on Waverly’s face

 

“If you’d like, you can tell me now”, Waverly has never felt so open, but she knows she can trust Nicole

 

“Everyone I love leaves me” Nicole squeezes Waverly’s hand

 

“My Mama, Wynonna, Curtis, Shorty, Dolls”

 

The last name still a fresh wound in both of their hearts

 

“I was so scared if I told you, you’d leave me somehow. I just can’t live this life without you Nicole”

 

Waverly continues, “I remember seeing you in that hospital bed and thinking how am I going to survive without you”

 

“But you saved me, I came back to you. And I will come back to you in every life after this one”

 

“But if you didn’t come back, you wouldn’t have known. Just how much I love you” Waverly sobs as Nicole hold her tightly

 

Nicole presses a kiss to her forehead, “I always knew you loved me, you didn’t have to tell me. Your actions told me everything baby”

 

Nicole’s eyes are teary and she runs her tongue over her bottom lip, “And Waverly, I’m in this. I can’t promise everything will be perfect, but I will never leave your side”

 

Nicole runs her thumb over Waverly’s cheek, “I’ll tell you that for as long as you need, because I mean it. Waverly Earp, you are it for me”

 

“Nicole, I love you so much”, before Nicole could respond Waverly crashes her lips into Nicole’s

  

A warmth spreads all throughout Waverly’s body, Nicole kisses her back with an equal amount of emotion. Nicole pulls away slowly and presses a lingering kiss to Waverly’s lips

 

“And I love you” Nicole leans down and connects their lips for another kiss

 

 _Hear you falling and lonely, cry out_  
"Will you fix me up? Will you show me hope?  
The end of the day, I'm helpless  
Can you keep me close? Can you love me most?  
Can you keep me close? Can you love me most?  
Can you keep me close? Can you love me most?"

 

The fear that was laying heavily on her chest for years seems to disappear as Nicole kisses her.

 

Waverly doesn’t want to spend another day without telling Nicole how much she loves her.

 

And for as long as they have, Waverly will never stop loving Nicole

 

And she knows Nicole will never stop loving her

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
